Let Him Go
by Miko Akako
Summary: Set after episode 111. Brian had to let Mikey go, but he never expected it to hurt so bad.


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**Miko: **So I just watched season 1, episode 11 and I had to write this because I believe that under it all, Brian Kinney is a good person. Forgive me if anything I wrote is contradicted later in the show.

**Disclaimer: **I own NOTHING.

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**Let Him Go**

I knew I had to let him go. I knew it since we were 14 and I saw the love in his eyes. I hoped he would get over it. I hoped it was a schoolboy crush. But soon I came to depend on it. Soon I had to know that he was always waiting for me - always there just one sentence away. And he stayed there so faithfully. I know I took advantage of him and I ignored it. I pretended I didn't notice. I pretended that all the times we kissed after getting high were just the result of the initial spike. But I always knew he wanted more, and he would wait for me forever and clean up my messes.

I hated anyone that got between us. I drove away everyone who might love Mikey and distract him from me for just one moment. Sometimes he caught on, but he never could stay mad at me. He never managed to hate me. Sure, he would sulk that I had ruined his chance at forever, but I convinced him that he didn't want forever. I convinced him that he was too young for forever. That he needed for now. And for now included me, me, and only me. I couldn't let him go.

I tried sometimes. I tried to let him be happy, and independent. But I couldn't help it. I would find an excuse to drag him away from a date half way through, or just 'swing by' his place as he got back from a hookup. I became an expert at keeping him following me. Nothing anyone did could steal my Mikey from me. And nothing - or no one - I did would ever cause him to tear apart from me. I had him so sure that one day I would turn around and realize I loved him, had always loved him, and would always love him.

But I knew that I would never think of him as more than a friend. I knew that, but I didn't want him to know that because it felt so damn good to have someone waiting for me and only me. I tried, when we were younger, to find those feelings for him that he so wanted me to have, but I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, he was still my silly, comic-book-loving, best friend Mikey. I never even fucked him in case it would ruin our friendship.

I hate hurting myself, that's why I refused to get attached to anyone except Mikey. I never, for one moment, thought I would have to leave Mikey. Just the thought of not having him there made me ache in places I didn't know I had. Who would be there to drive me when I was too high or too drunk to drive myself home? Who would take my clothes off and put me in bed after I spent an evening chatting with my dad? I never planned on having anyone in my life that I depended on, but it happened anyway.

I knew he was too blinded by my perfection to ever be put off by something as simple as me telling him I would never love him. He would smile and laugh and look to the side in an attempt to hide his hurt and deny it. I had to do something big. Something he could never forgive me for. I have a talent for dissuading potential boyfriends, but I never thought I'd have to turn that on Mikey. Exploit his weakness.

I got drunk long before the party. I loaded up on every cocktail of drugs I had. I put on my happy face while I gave Mikey the gift of his life, tearing him further away from his doctor. I tried to make the smile touch my eyes as I wished him happy birthday. Everything needed to seem perfect for it to hurt the most.

I saw Tracy, and I saw Mikey's attempt to get her to leave, but I knew my lines. I knew how to kill Mikey's trust and break his heart into a thousand pieces. I outed him. I'd always given him a hard time, but I would never have done it if I hadn't needed to take this drastic measure. The good doctor responded appropriately, and I wished I could have been in his place. I would have punched me harder, because Mikey deserved so much better than what I had just given him.

Mikey left with the doctor, and I stayed with Justin. Everyone left quickly after the birthday boy left. Except Justin. Reliable Justin. He stayed with me, fucked up as I was. When he left with Mikey's mom in the morning, I finally broke down. Without an audience, I could finally show my true feelings.

In a small part of me, I crossed my fingers and prayed that one day Mikey would forgive me. I prayed that it would work out with the doctor, David, and he would see that I'd only done that horrible thing to let them have a chance. Then he would come back, and I would have my best friend back. But I didn't expect it. Because Mikey is so much better than I am. He could never see my twisted logic. So I just lay on my floor, looking at the balloons and streamers and the pictures of my best friend on the wall and cry. Because I knew I would have to let him go, but I never thought it would hurt so. damn. bad.

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**Miko: **My first attempt at Queer as Folk. Let me know how I did.


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